Christmas with young children can be wonderfully funny and slightly exposing. Somebody hands over a carefully chosen present, everyone watches it being opened, and the child says exactly what is in their head.
Perhaps they already have one. Perhaps it is the wrong color. Perhaps they would rather play with the box. Then every adult looks towards the parent, waiting for the magic words.
With Darcey and Freya, I have learned that teaching children to say thank you matters, but expecting a perfect performance in a busy room does not help anybody.
Should children have to say thank you for gifts?
I do teach my children to thank somebody for a gift. Saying thank you acknowledges that another person used their time, money, and thought to choose something for them.
I do not ask them to pretend they love a present when they do not. Those are two different things. A child can thank the giver for being kind without saying the gift is their favorite thing in the world.
For me, the useful message is: “We thank people for thinking of us.”
Good manners and genuine gratitude are not the same skill
A young child can learn the words “thank you” before they fully understand the thought behind a gift. That is normal.
The University of Oxford's work on how gratitude develops in children describes it as a process of noticing what was given, thinking about why somebody gave it, feeling appreciation, and then showing it. Those deeper steps develop throughout childhood.
The American Psychological Association also suggests that modeling gratitude and asking simple questions can help children understand kindness more effectively than repeatedly telling them they should be grateful.
So I think we can teach the polite words while gently building the feeling behind them. It does not have to be one or the other.
Practice before the presents appear
A quiet rehearsal works better for us than a correction in front of everybody.
Before a birthday or Christmas visit, I explain what is likely to happen: “Nan might give you a present. When you open it, we say thank you because she chose it for you.”
We can even practice with a toy or an empty bag. Useful phrases for a young child include:
- “Thank you for my present.”
- “That was kind of you.”
- “Thank you for choosing it.”
Action for Children recommends role-play, stories, and letting children see adults use good manners themselves when teaching social skills. It turns an abstract rule into something familiar. A quiet prompt before gift opening can be easier than correcting a child in front of everybody.
What I do in the moment
If one of the girls forgets, I give one calm prompt. If they are distracted or overwhelmed, I thank the giver myself and try again later.
I avoid making the child repeat the words several times while a roomful of adults watches. I also would not insist on a hug or kiss as part of saying thank you. A smile, a wave, a picture, or a voice message later can all help a young child show appreciation without unwanted physical affection.
Sometimes the kindest option is to pause the present opening altogether. Our guide to how many Christmas presents a child needs explains why we are happy to spread gifts across the day rather than pushing through an enormous pile.
When a child says something awkward
Young children are famously direct. If a child says, “I don't like it,” I try not to shame them in front of the giver.
I step in with something simple: “Thank you for choosing it. That was thoughtful.” Later, in private, I explain that it is fine not to like every present, but we do not need to announce that while somebody is giving it to us.
We can repair the moment afterwards with a drawing, short message, or photo. A delayed thank you still counts, especially when the original moment was noisy, tiring, or overwhelming.
What I would say to nans and grandparents
Please do not judge the whole relationship by a toddler's reaction during one busy afternoon. They may adore you and still be far more interested in the wrapping paper.
It helps not to ask, “Do you love it?” A gentler question is, “Shall we look at it together?” That takes away the pressure to produce the correct reaction.
If you are buying clothing, ask the parents about size and preferences first. Our baby and toddler size calculator can help with the numbers, but checking what the child actually wears now is even more useful.
The habit I want to build
I want my children to grow into people who notice kindness, not children who can perform gratitude on command.
That still means teaching manners. We practice the words, model them ourselves, prompt gently, and repair the moment if it goes wrong. Then we give the deeper understanding time to grow.
Christmas is full of excitement, unfamiliar routines, and watchful adults. A slightly imperfect thank you from a small child is not evidence of bad parenting or an ungrateful child. It is simply a skill still being learned.
Steph x
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Useful reading: American Psychological Association guidance on cultivating gratitude, University of Oxford research on gratitude development, and Action for Children advice on teaching social skills.
